"well, tell that to the ficus."

so it's pretty warm outside right? actually some pretty darn amazing weather. i love it. but get this: my house either doesn't have heat, or they're not running it. in fact, they've been running the AC all week! even when it was frigid outside, it was colder in our room! i've felt so ridiculous the past few days, wearing a sweater to bed, and wearing light layers around the house, then shedding a layer once i walk outside! even on cold days my CAR is warmer than my room. it's ridiculous.

all semester i've felt like my life has been kind of like a sitcom. this is just one of the ways in which it could be so. but hey, at least i'm laughing!!! ah, the stories i could tell. good memories. well, some of them. ;)

i'm adding to my 'lifetime to-do list'.

i guess my astronomy teacher sort of got me on this for today in particular. but these are things that have been swimming around in my head for a while. things i'd like to do before i kick the bucket, aspirations i've got. this is not the full list... but this is the list in the best entirety i can give you right now. (no particular order on these.)

-become proficient at both piano and guitar.
-learn to play the saxophone.
-learn to play the bagpipes.
-become fluent in French.
-learn Italian, along with whatever Dutch i can manage.
-get in shape, and maintain it.
-see the Aurora...Borealis or Australis, either one, i just want to see it.
-live, at least for a while, as a missionary.
-go to Israel.
-learn to play soccer well.
-see Monet's house. (a four hour train ride from Paris, plus a 45-minute bike ride...they have day tours of the place complete with picnic lunch. get to see the Japanese garden...ugh. i've heard it's a lovely trip.)
-work with children. i've toyed with ideas of what this would look like...teaching music in an orphanage overseas pops into my head a lot...perhaps just teaching in an elementary school...volunteering with children's ministries? and so much more. i could write a lot about just that.
-graduate from college. it seemed like something simple when i was younger. but now i know that if and when i get to that day i will appreciate all that the Lord did to get me there.
-learn how to drive a stick shift.
-write a song (and complete it). multiple, even. but even just one...let's start there.
-go backpacking through Europe.
-meet the little girl our family started supporting through Worldvision when i was in 8th grade. she's not such a little girl anymore.
-learn how to paint.
-get married. have children. yes, i know, i'm a girl, imagine that...and i eagerly long for children, even when i know all of that is still a long way off.
-eliminate the word "like" from my vocabulary and gum from my diet.
-return to Holland. sometime.

there is more but i know this has gotten rather long and tiresome...so...what are some of the things on the very top of YOUR to-do list??

"mountains in the sky are next to mountains anyway"

things that make me sad:
-my workout schedule has been not so good lately.
-my alarm clock forgot how to wake me up.
-i can't keep that cute kitten hannah and i found.
-i don't see tara walker NEARLY enough.
-in fact, i don't see any of those cool cats from spivey as much as i'd like to. (i miss you all!)
-since my schedule doesn't allow for everything i would like it to...one thing i had to drop from it (pretty much before i even picked it up) was the spivery intramural soccer team. which is sad cause i love soccer even though i suck at it.
-the fact that i suck at soccer.
-being sick. GROSS.
-i spend too much time on the computer (something i am working to change.)
-sometimes there's just too darn much to do! and i am bad at handling that.

things that make me happy:
-i can change the workout thing, with the appropriate amount of effort.
-kittens.
-tara walker. (even if she IS sleeping through theory class. and musicianship. and piano. and...what? i'm sorry...)
-my roomie.
-all my good friends from music classes and chi alpha and spivey. even though i don't get to see you enough, at least i've got ya! you guys rock.
-soccer.
-rain--it rains a heck of a lot more here than i remember it doing in Flo Mo. and in Huntsvegas, when it rains, it FLOODS. (and music majors still go to class. :) ha.)
-i'm blessed with so much to do that i can't even juggle it all. difficult, and saddening if i look at it the wrong way. but a blessing. i was SO bored this summer. now i actually have responsibilities, decisions to make...work to be done. thank you, Lord. (and plus, something not to be ignored...even though I can't juggle all of it alone...by the strength of the Lord you BET i can!)
-puzzles, apparently.
-taking pictures. lots of pictures, of anything. i like photography even though i don't know the first thing about it.
-writing. yeah. i dig it.
-singing LOUD. TOTALLY underrated, i don't care who you are. :)
-getting new music. i think finding new lovely music that i've never heard before just about rocks my entire face right off. yep.
-small group. i like it lots. and i'm going there shortly! yay.

i could continue these lists for a while and you could learn a lot more about me than you care to...but i will stop here. so yay! that was my blog for the day.

aw. now i'm sad. :(

i fell in love tonight, and got my heart broken too...silly, silly me. hannah and i took a walk (a leisurely stroll, if you will) and as we were returning from said stroll, we stumbled upon a teeny kitten. yes! i know what you're thinking. we're stupid. but as it came trotting straight toward us we instantly fell head over heels for this poor little kitten and there was just nothing we could do about it. we named it Ali...yes, like "alley cat," but Ali. and Ali followed us home! she followed us down the street and right to the porch of our house. except, as you probably know, animals are not allowed in dorms. so alas, we knew we had to say goodbye. i will admit that for a while we conspired about different ways we could get her inside at least for the night. then we just resigned ourselves to the fact that we couldn't have her, but wanted to at least find a Petco...but it was about 10:30. so we had to leave her behind!!!! it was a sad, sad moment. alas, Ali. we love and shall miss thee. *tears up*

hokay, so...

it seems that at the times when i am weakest...when i am beaten and broken...i am called to be strong. or rather, to draw on the Lord's strength, so that i may serve and love and encourage those around me. because what they need from me is not a girl who's sitting around complaining about the little storms that are going on in her life. they need a friend who will love them and build them up in the Lord.
so i am learning through all of this how to draw on the strength of the Lord rather than my own in ALL areas of my life, because i am so constantly needing it! maybe it is just that i am finally realizing how much i need it. but i really do need it constantly, and am learning day by day how to draw from Him all that i need. it is a beautiful and painful process, because at the same time i am learning just how broken i am. :) but what an amazing experience, to see my own brokenness and be confident in the knowledge that i belong to the only One who can heal it! Praise God for that.

...seriously?

can you tell me...

when i don't wear makeup, does that seem to you like i'm making some sort of a statement saying makeup is evil and you shouldn't wear it? or perhaps do you, like a normal human being, realize that makeup is just something i don't bother with for my own personal reasons?
can i make something clear? i don't think there is anything wrong with other girls wearing makeup. i don't waste my time with it because, for me, all it would be about is impressing boys. and i don't live my life for boys...i live my life to serve and love and glorify the Lord. i don't see makeup fitting into that category. so...i just don't wear it. i don't boycott it, i don't tell people who do wear it that they should stop. i just don't like it.

and as i've said before, i DO NOT believe that makeup is necessary for a woman to be beautiful. and when i say beautiful, i don't just mean "well, TRUE beauty comes from within." while it is true that there is a real beauty about the individual within once you take time to get to know them...it is also just as true that all of us were created as masterpieces of God. and are all beautiful on the outside too. it doesn't matter if someone SAYS that we're not...if the Artist who created us claims us as His beautiful masterpieces, then my bet would be on all of us being exactly that.
so...makeup NOT bad...but also not necessary for beauty. outward or inward. so girls...stop feeling like you need to look a certain way in order to be beautiful. you already are, DEAL WITH IT. be glad in it, even! and guys...stop TELLING girls that they have to live up to a certain standard before you'll even glance their way. we all know that the one single standard (looking like the airbrushed models on magazine covers...) is neither attainable nor is it true. stop expecting girls to look like that, and stop telling them they have to. we DON'T have to.

PLEASE...could we actually start putting this into practice a little bit? can we teach the next generation of young girls to see the same beauty in themselves that their Creator sees, and not be afraid to share that beauty with the world?

ugh...i'm sorry...i could go on about this for a long time. issues concerning this have pained my heart for most of my life...
but for now i am tired, and need to sleep off this illness i've got for a few hours. i love you all...really, REALLY, i do. have a good night...day...whatever it is when you read this. toodles.

my "happy thoughts"

i had a marvelous choir director in high school who taught me great things. he taught me great things about music, yes, and i will never forget that. but that's not what i mean. i learned more life lessons from him than i do from most anyone i know. mostly because he geniunely cares about his students, because he loves his job, and loves the Lord passionately. he really wanted us to learn. and i did learn. but one thing he taught me has really continued to come back to me over and over and over again...

last year i was a co-assistant director, or whatever you want to call it, for our high school's JV choir. i know in reality it's not a huge thing...but i love to talk about it because i think it changed my life in a big way. basically our director allowed my friend and i to take over the class some days or for parts of days and learn how to teach...by teaching. he helped us along our way. i think i learned more about myself than about teaching, though. :) i learned a lot from the girls we worked with--who i love with all my heart! they don't even realize how they changed my life just by being willing to let me lead them a little bit and learn from that experience.
anyway, the point of my story. :) see, all the knowledge of having learned from them and whatnot--kind of a hindsight thing. there were some days where i didn't appreciate this situation God had placed me in because, let's face it, any group of 60 freshman girls is hard to deal with. you've got to discipline a little bit, and sometimes a lot bit, before you can even get to the music. the truth is, all you really want to do is just get to the music and show them the beauty of what can be done with it. if they would just focus and let their hearts love the music and really dive into it...they could reach the potential that you know they have. and that potential is so much higher than what they see in themselves. THAT'S the frustration teachers get...not that we're just plain angry for you talking; we just want you to be able to go where we've gone without having to look back and regret wasting time getting there. does that make sense? ugh. anyhow.
on a day when i was particularly irked by frustrations such as these, i went into my director's office and talked to him about it a little bit. i guess it didn't occur to me that he might actually UNDERSTAND where i was coming from. but he did. and as we talked...he opened a drawer in his desk. he said it was full of "the little encouragements" from his students...pictures with them, letters or cards from them, whatever it was...it went in the drawer. he kept it all. and on days when he couldn't see why he was doing what he was doing, he pulled out that drawer--and remembered. he was there not to be loved by the students, but to love them...to allow them to find the same kind of passion for music that he had...no matter how long it took or how much it cost him. it wasn't about what it cost him, it was about the reward the students got from it. their reward was his reward.
he told me to keep an encouragement drawer, or something to that effect, because in truth the discouragement will come much more often than the encouragement. but that doesn't mean what was there to encourage you is gone. it is never gone--and it is in fact much stronger.
so i'm keeping a little drawer, or a box, or a folder...i don't know...of the little encouragements life brings. and when my life is not going "as planned" i can bring those things out and remember...i am here by the grace of God, to serve and love, and share my same passion for Him with the world...no matter how long i am here, or how much it costs me. and i am not alone in it. :)
thanks to all who have been such a constant encouragement to me. your encouragements are kept in my drawer.

"yes we'll gather by the river, the beautiful, the beautiful river..."

went to go see our opera workshop's performance of an "Ode to Shakespeare" last night. it was uh-may-zing!!!! i loved it very very much! i am almost tempted to go see it again tonight...but i do have a lot to get done so i will just do my homework and cleaning. yay. :( lol so anyway, and i suppose this is somewhat due to the show last night, my dream was entirely a musical. it was something about how my family had gone dirt poor and had to move out of our house (of course, this was our old house, not the house we're in now...that's the only home i ever dream about still. weird). i had decided to become a penniless artist and was a quite excellent painter as a matter of fact. but for some reason the big bad guy (who happened to be friends with my brother...but my brother didn't know he was the bad guy, only i had figured it out) took all my paintings and laid them out in the pouring rain and they were all ruined. i left them with my dad, who was trying to fix them all, because i was trying to catch the bad guy in his evil scheme. obviously. and i see what his scheme is...but then my brother comes in! and asks him to help us move! so i'm trying to get a message across to my brother that this is the bad guy...

and then i wake up.

i know, my dreams are completely nonsensical. but for whatever reason, i felt like sharing that one with you! now you have to remember, the entire thing was a MUSICAL. song and dance all the way through. i know...wonky. but what can ya do?

so i woke up this morning to realize that i am in fact finally ill. i have that dreaded fall cold (sorry: "upper respiratory infection") that i await every year. i can see it coming for a few weeks before...and it lasts for like 6 weeks. ICK. but it's officially here, and i have to deal with it. so this morning i pulled out the box that's practically a PHARMACY that i brought with me so i could take some cold meds. and as i did...i felt like such a dork. cause i was singing to the medicine, in latin, "ad adjuvandum me festina, festina!!!" basically means come to my aid quckly. yes i am a choir DORK.

my breakfast tastes funny. GROSS.
have a nice day all!!! much love!!!

how about i try this one again, eh?

i've been tired lately. and you know what? i'm tired OF it. i've gotten out of shape. i haven't been sleeping much. my eating habits have gotten a little too relaxed, which is expecially not good considering certain conditions i have with insulin. (no, i'm not diabetic. i just have a lot of random diseases. fun stuff, right? right.)
so i'm changing it. i've even got a plan for how i'm going to start living healthy again...cause somewhere it just seems that i got off track a little too much. about a year ago i finally got the motivation to lead a healthy lifestyle. when i got to school this year for some reason that lifestyle went down the drain.
well NO MORE.
it's not about the losing weight...i just want to be healthy. i want to be in shape. i want to be able to run and bike long distances. i don't want to be in fear of developing diabetes when i'm 40, and i don't want to feel ill after eating because i had a little too much of my simple sugars.
i'm done with being stupid. i'm changing it...it's going to be tough, but i'm changing it.

i'm sorry, i just really needed to say that aloud. maybe just so that i could have someone to hold me accountable for it. please...hold me accountable for it.

ah, the life of a music major.

...it seems that only music majors laugh at the truly unintelligent jokes. and on top of that, we have our own special "music humor" that no one else gets.

...only music majors start talking about music around non-music majors and don't even realize the other people have no idea what they're saying.

...only music majors would end up having endless intense discussions about composers or music theory when we go out for coffee together.

...only music majors are myspace friends with modern composers. (eric whitacre, anyone?)

...only a music major like myself would be able to confidently say that nearly every guy i know at school is gay. there are a rare few exceptions, but even most of these really are and haven't admitted it yet.

...only music majors stay up until the wee hours of the morning, not because we are partying or watching movies or anything like that...but because we are practicing. or crying because we just don't understand our gosh darned theory homework!

...only music majors watch movies a second time through because we like the soundtrack.

...only music majors conduct along with a piece of music instead of dancing.

...only music majors harmonize with the campus bell tower as it chimes every hour.

...only music majors not only enjoy, but anticipate long rehearsals.

...only music majors would let an entire day be "ruined" because they're frustrated about a music class.

...only music majors make music no matter where they are, what they're doing, or what mood they're in. singing, humming, clapping, snapping, drumming on desks...playing kazoos...whatever. we be makin music mon.

...and only music majors would write a blog like this one.

"whatever i have, wherever i am, i can make it through anything in the One who makes me who i am."

i'm the biggest klutz in the world.

yesterday it rained a TON here in huntsville...and i was very pleased about that, naturally. cause i pretty much adore the rain. but i was in a not so great mood walking to choir because i had all this stuff on my mind and felt like i didn't even have time to THINK...that's just kind of how mondays are for me. so busy i can't even process full thoughts. but anywho. the point of my story. :) i get to the music building and there's this massive puddle--but not too massive that one couldn't jump it. so, of course, i attempt to jump it.
and i WIPE OUT. it was hysterical. i wanted to just sit there and laugh for a while but i was running late, so i got up and went to choir, with my jeans soaked i might add!!! and i didn't really see a point to my umbrella anymore so i put that away. by the time i got up the steps and into the building i was drenched and my shoes squeaked on the tile floor. ha. i think i got a few funny stares...
it was pure greatness. definitely put me in a better mood for like the rest of the day.

and on a slightly other note...thinking about my clumsiness reminded me of another clumsy day in holland. when a soccer ball got away from me while i was sitting in a chair, so i reached back to get it...and then fell out of the chair...
i'm sure those who were there remember it. :) especially since they didn't know i was reaching for anything, they just thought i was an idiot who couldn't stay in my chair!!! oh, holland...

...on a completely other note...i'm going through some personal storms right now. beautifully enough, they're teaching me to trust and love my Lord so much more. but as i'm in the middle of my storms...i could use some prayer from my friends. i would appreciate it a lot. i love y'all!!! SOO so much. more updates on my clumsy life later. :)

"take my feet and let them move at the impulse of Thy love"

...i went home this weekend. i'm SOOO glad i did. loved it. got to see my parents, and my brother, and some of my good friends...all very happy stuff. again very hard to tear away from at the end of the weekend--wanted to get back to school, but wanted to stay for like another week. basically i wouldn't mind just staying at home for like ever. but then i'd miss it here. so i guess i will settle for thoroughly enjoying every moment i get to spend there, and then coming back here and living my life because...this is where i need to be right now. so yeah. cool.

...God's grace is amazing. nuff said...or is it?

...i'm learning. i'm growing. it's hard.

DUH.

but it's perty cool. yep...pretty incredible to see the person i'm becoming through the most difficult things i'm facing...cause it seems like those are the ones that have allowed me to grow the most.

...i am finding who i am in Christ in some really interesting ways.

...i have the most amazing roommate ever. it is the most encouraging thing to come home to someone who knows me and cares about me and what's going on in my life and can actually relate to it. SO glad to call her my friend and sister!

i also have some incredible friends back home whom i love OH so much and who are a constant encouragement in my life...i am so thankful for all of them!!! i am so blessed to have them in my life, even if they are far away most of the time. it is my joy to have them as friends.

...school is difficult for me, more difficult than i've ever found it to be. sometimes i honestly believe that i'm not going to get by. i mean, i'm doing fine with the academics so far, it's actually my voice lessons that have become the biggest challenge for me. so yes...i'm scared that i will ultimately have wasted my time here because i will fail.

but i'm working on it.

i know that a lot of freshmen get overworked and overstressed, and i especially do so very easily. so i'm working on not letting myself stress out about it, and just doing the best that i can. i really am doing the best that i can. it just makes me sad, i guess...to think that perhaps here, where i love it so much, the best that i can may just be not near good enough for them.

if it isn't, i am confident the Lord will direct me in where to go next. and when i consider that...when i honestly take that to heart...my fears really are eased. it's just a matter of me actually remembering who God is. and that's a daily struggle for me, i'll admit it. sometimes hourly, if i'm having a hard day. but for today...i choose to have joy in the hope of His glory, and remember that He is faithful to direct my path now and always.

...sorry for the long blog. i think through things best sometimes by writing. :) have a lovely day all! much love. :)

"hey, what am i gonna do, what am i gonna do without You by my side???"

on my facebook, i was a part of a lot of "groups" and it was getting kind of old. i decided to remove all of the ones that weren't created by myself or one of my dear friends whom i love oh so much....

my dear friend nathan whom i love oh so much made a group today. it's called "i made a group so that kayla russell could leave it".

i was sad a little bit...

and then i laughed my butt off. :) haha.

nathan, thank you for giving me something to smile about!! and you're weird. and it hurts still, kind of. ouch. :-P

i have new snail mail!!!! so i'm gonna go get it. w00t!!

"and i, i can see their eyes...tell me something, can they see mine?"

apparently...

...missing home comes in waves. a wave is hitting me this weekend and it hurts.

...i feel extremely...disconnected...from flower mound and everything going on there. i want to be connected to it. but there's only so much you can connect yourself to flower mound from Hillsvegas. and when you can't get in touch with people...or for some reason your friends aren't as open to talk to you as they used to be because, honestly, you don't know each other as well as you used to...it makes it really difficult.

...i almost don't want to go home this coming weekend. i'm planning on going, and i won't have been in 3 weeks. which isn't an incredibly long time, but this weekend worked out because i was actually AVAILABLE to come home and my brother will be in town. plus my mom, who i know is having trouble with the "empty nest" stuff...is completely ecstatic that i will be there. how can i not go?
i'm just kind of scared to because, like i said, i feel so disconnected from everyone there. i fear what it will be like to go back, and it seems easier to delay said return for as long as possible.

i still don't know if i'll end up going. i mean, i will...won't i? strange how even though i miss it, i don't want to see my home.

time for some serious reflection and prayer and time in the word. only way i'll figure out what the next appropriate step is to take.

God is so loving and gentle and PRESENT...so amazing that even now as i struggle He is faithfully working in my heart. praise Him for His unending love...

"Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But is does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason--a life of knowing Him who calls us to go. Faith is rooted in the knowledge of a Person, and one of the biggest traps we fall into is the belief that if we have faith, God will surely lead us to success in the world...A life of faith is not a life of one glorious mountaintop experience after another, like soaring on eagles' wings, but is a life of day-in and day-out consistency; a life of walking without fainting." --Oswald Chambers

whoa.

i just received pretty much one of the highest compliments i possibly could, from a teacher i have come to respect very much.

i'm floating right now.

sorry i just had to get that out.

"back to you, it always comes around back to you"

so i love to write.

i've mentioned it before...some of you know it fairly well. i LOVE to write. i mean the kind of writing that comes straight from the heart...pretty much mostly stuff that i don' t want anyone to read until after i'm dead. that's what i love writing most. because it means the most to me. anywho...

i got in a total writing ZONE last night. at 4 am. and i wrote until 8 am, at which point i had to leave to get ready for church. i wrote 17 pages. later today i added another 3 to that.

i guess i've just all of a sudden realized that there's all of this stuff i want to get down on paper. well, not paper--microsoft word notebook. that program is my BFF. haha. i can even record sound on it, it's really nice.

only downside to being in my writing zone again, finally??? i haven't gotten much in the way of homework...or practicing...or sleeping done in a while. well i got a nap today to make up for a few hours of what i missed last night. but basically all i've done is write. what a DORK. :)

"whenever you break the law, you should at least do it quickly."

so this weekend has been AMAZING. i got to hang out with some of the coolest freaking people ever. tara, hannah, meredyth and i went to atascocita friday night and stayed at hannah's house...then spent a lot of saturday in the humble area shopping and eating...oh goodness, it was so much fun. then we studied together...and YES we actually got some studying done...and just kinda hung out the rest of the night. it was SO much fun.
did i mention how much fun i had??? thanks you guys for making this weekend so great!

agh. i'm just in such a great mood. i have been a lot lately...if you've talked to me, you've probably noticed. :)

oh gosh. okay. i have to go, cause we're watching RENT. haha. but more later...love y'all so SO much!!!
no REALLY. :)
hahaha okay bye bye!!!