i want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask

i really enjoy looking back on old blogs. it's just so cool sometimes to read what i wrote a month or a year or several years ago. it's mostly cool because, a lot of the time, i look at me-four-years-ago as a completely other person. but when i read what i wrote from then to now, i remember the story part of it. i remember what was going on in my heart and mind during the whole time that i was changing from that girl into this one. it's kind of awesome to be reminded of what the journey was like. i think we forget that part a lot...we tend to say, "i was x, y, and z; now God has transformed me into l, m, and n!" and yes, it's true, that did happen. but stories, whether in books or movies or plays or operas, are endearing because of the middle part. you can read what happens in the beginning and end on the back cover of a book, or on imdb for a movie. the middle is the meat of the story. it's the transformation of a character, or characters.
i like the middle of the story. i think we all do (if i'm wrong, so sue me. i said "i think"). i think maybe we like the middle because it's relevant to what's going on in our lives. generally speaking, none of us are really at the very beginning or very end of our story. we're all somewhere in the middle. maybe we know what's coming and what to do next, or maybe we have no idea. but we identify with the character when they're in the middle, because that's where we are.
so, i think i like re-reading old blogs because it reminds me of earlier parts of my middle story. plus, it makes my story a lot more interesting to tell to others. no one actually cares much for the factoids (where i was born, where i live now, what college i go to); they want to know what happened in between, and what's happening now, since i'm still living the middle story.

that whole blog just got way more philosophical than it was intended at the beginning. oh well, that's usually how my blogs end up. i would know, because i like to re-read them. did i mention that?

tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air

we've all watched tv shows about doctors. ER, grey's, house, what have you. patients are in need of healing, and are brought into the office (or emergency room) for exactly that. but have you ever seen the episode where the patient is so busy complaining about how much things hurt that they can't let the doctor do their healing thing? maybe they won't sign a form, or tell the doctor to send them home because they're "fine." i don't know, i can't remember how it goes. but there's always that character who ends up being killed or seriously hurt because they get caught up in a)complaining about the pain and/or b)covering up the real cause of their injury/disease.

don't you kind of want to yell at the tv and tell them to just give up already so the doctor can start treating them? don't you think they're kind of stupid?

this happens in real life sometimes. in medical situations, of course, but that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking more about our spiritual lives, and our inefficiency at allowing fellow Christians to help us through them. yes, a walk with God means having a relationship that's between you and Him. but it also means interacting with other members of His creation. it means allowing them to help you when you struggle.

i'm often guilty of...

...telling people everything's fine when it's really very not fine.
...lying about or concealing the true cause of my struggles because i'm ashamed.
...complaining about my problems but not doing anything about them, and not letting others help me with them.

for the record, this is in fact quite stupid. i am often the stupid person in the ER who won't let the nurse put in the IV because needles freak her out. many people i know are often this stupid person as well. sometimes i feel like yelling at myself or them, the same way i feel like yelling at the tv. because it's stupid, and it does absolutely no good for anyone.

just so we're clear.