"my ship has set its sail, but still at shore..."

today i grew a lot.

you know those days? when just so much happens, some good, some bad, some neutral. and at the end of the day you're not who you were when you woke up. well, i guess that's kind of every day...but the days that are just so jam packed. maybe it's a matter of alertness, attentiveness to what God has to show you that day. maybe it also has something to do with obedience to Him when you are alert enough to hear what He says.
whatever makes this day the kind of day it is...it was one of those days. and i grew a lot. my heart is just...full right now. it's a wonderful, yet overwhelming feeling, really. it's like...i'm relaxed and at peace enough to sleep now...but i'm also so excited about what God's doing in my life that i don't really want to sleep--i'd rather stay up late talking to Him.
somehow i get the feeling that's not a bad thing. somehow i get the feeling that you can feel just as rested (maybe even moreso) when you wake up if you spend most of your sleep time talking with the Lord as if you spend it actually sleeping.
i like that. i think it's pretty awesome. and i think i'd like to go spend the rest of my night sharing what's on my heart with the Lover of my soul.

"you make me laugh. at you, of course. not with you."

as i write this, there is a torrential downpour sweeping across huntsville. i didn't get to park my car very close to the dorm on when i came home tonight. and, as expected...i didn't mind that one bit. yes, i was just ready to be home and dry and asleep. but i will always, always love the rain. what can i say, it makes my heart happy.

i've started a workout routine with my awesome friend meagan. with the exception of uber wet days, like tomorrow will be, we meet at the track in the mornings to jog for a while. it's nice. i like jogging. i like mornings. i like my awesome friend meagan. if you ask me, i've got a pretty good deal goin on.

the morning jogs have also helped me get back to the morning person i used to be. i mean, i still am...i just haven't been acting like it. i LOVE mornings. lately i had been missing out on my nice slow mornings with the Lord. but the accountability to show up and work out with a friend makes waking up a little bit easier, even if i only got a few hours of restless sleep.

speaking of restless sleep...i've started to become concerned about my sleep. i'll be tired but completely awake until the wee hours of the morning. then i find it hard to wake up, because i don't sleep well. part of the reason for that is that i have been having really awful nightmares every night for the past 8 months or so. i'm at a loss for what the cause of this might be. my awesome friend elizabeth suggested there could very possibly be a connection between my nightmares and my freshman year of college. i haven't been letting myself get uber stressed like i used to...but starting college has its own daily stresses and i think perhaps elizabeth is right--perhaps it's just wearing on me. i think it does that to everyone, to an extent.

mondays are not just tiring because they are the first day of the week and there's so much week left. they're tiring for me because they are my fullest days and i don't get a break until the evening. today, for example, i didn't eat at all until after 6. not healthy, i know...but with my schedule sometimes i forget to eat. especially on mondays. this monday was an especially long one. i'm thinking that i know why...

i am thankful that the only lasting rest is found in Christ. i am physically (and often emotionally) exhausted by the end of each day. but my soul is at rest, and i rejoice that no matter what life brings i can have that rest. i also rejoice in the new day...for so many reasons, but most of all because the new day is fresh and beautiful and finds me ready and willing to begin it. it's like an empty piece of paper...i am always scared to write that first sentence but, even moreso, i am eager to write on that page, to pour myself into it.

monday is coming to a close and i am utterly exhausted. i look forward to tomorrow.

high-school me...needs a good kickin'.

after rereading a lot of them, i am really wanting to burn all of my journals from high school. REALLY. i just...ugh. i was reading them and thinking, "really? are you kidding me?" kind of like how i felt when i went back a few years ago and read my elementary/ middle school journals. now THOSE were funny. funny, yet...embarrassing. slimy, yet...satisfying. haha. no but really, i want to burn them all. even some of the stuff from this year. granted, a few entries pop up every once in a while that at least give credit to the notion that i'm not a completely terrible writer.

but some of the things i wrote just reflect both poor writing skills and poor judgement/rationalization. eugh. i'm ready for a big time poetry burn. now, i know there are some things i should keep. either because they're good or i'll laugh at them later. but i at least want to burn the truly embarrassing stuff. the "why on earth did i write this down?" stuff. some of my thoughts just weren't meant to be shared with the rest of the world.

"we're just amateur lovers..."

i think i would like to live like a hobbit...at least, in the sense that i want to give presents to all my friends on my birthday instead of them giving presents to me. i think that's a splendid idea from the mind of mr. tolkein. i'm not much for celebrating my own birthday. it's always made me feel awkward, people singing to me and all that. i mean, what are you supposed to do when people are singing happy birthday to you? as a kid i always wanted to sing along...it's more fun to sing than be sung to, i guess. so new rule...from now on we should all sing on our birthdays, instead of being sung to. for that matter, i think all the non-birthday people should be the ones wearing the big silly hats. and boy, would i like to see them blow out all the candles at once. sure, it's easy when you're 4...but once you hit the teens and onward it's not so easy. makes you appreciate the candles shaped like numbers.
you know how i've always wished i could celebrate my birthday? spend the entire day with friends...not because it's "my special day" but because we love each other and want to spend time together. maybe spend part of the day volunteering at a soup kitchen or something. just get the focus off of myself and onto the One it should be on every day.
yeah...that would be an incredible birthday.

i'm rambling now...goodnight.

"did you think you'd persuade me to let you go?"

random thoughts for the day...

...i am actually starting to enjoy my theory and musicianship classes, which have been a waste of time and money all year. this, surprisingly, has nothing to do with the classes themselves. rather, i maintain my pattern of tuning out my teacher and studying from the book (which is much more helpful)...but i distract myself by drawing. okay, so i'm not that great of an artist. but it's a lot of fun. and i like my art because i appreciate the work it took to create. so...yay art?

...hannah, courtney, and i signed the lease yesterday for the apartment we will be living in next year. we basically couldn't be more excited, cause frankly...the dorm life has not treated any of us very well. we're ready to live in an actual apartment with people we actually know. it's nice to come home to someone you know loves you and will listen to you and be there for you when you need it. i had taken that for granted before this year.

...i am VERY excited about spring break, because i could really use the week of peace and quiet. it is long overdue. lately, though, i have been unsettled about the actual coming home part. i don't know why. so i shall pray about it...pray for peace, pray for understanding as to why i feel this way.

...today is just going really great. whatever is going on in me today, i can't quite articulate it but it's good. i like today, and i like me today. w00t.

...for those of you who don't know yet...i cut a large portion of my hair off and i dyed my bangs and the bottom layer of my hair purple. yes, purple. meagan and i decided it was cool for me because it fits my artistic personality. i was glad she thought so too...cause i'm just not emo. haha

uhm...that's enough randomness for one day. laters! <3

addicted?

i think blogging has become an addiction.

i know sometimes i go without blogging for a few days simply because my life is pretty busy...but if i go too long without writing, whether in a blog or otherwise, i just can't handle it. so much of my thought processing is done by writing. i enjoy it. it helps me sort things out. and i have to admit, it's nice to have some of my thoughts out there for others to read and comment on if they so choose. just makes me feel like there's a tiny community thing going on. i dig it.

i don't know why i'm writing this. i guess it's just so i can get some of these useless thoughts out of my head. kind of like the penseive in harry potter...haha...it allows me to discard some thoughts that are just running around up in there but i don't really need at present.

wow, i'm ADD today. really. if you just ignore this post that's perfectly fine.