it's time to move on, time to get goin'...

in the spirit of New Year's Eve, i feel the need to reflect on the past year.

i don't think there has ever been a year of more growth or change in my life. the whole way i live my life has been, and is still being, radically renovated. i really like that. i had to learn some lessons the hard way earlier on this year, and if i didn't still remember how difficult things were a few months ago, i might laugh looking back. the person i was this spring/summer and the person i am now are almost opposites. so many of even my basic ideas have been turned upside down, and i know that was by Christ. He put me deep in situations i had never been in before, knowing full well that He could get me through them--but still having to trust that knowledge. the whole head-to-heart things came into play more than once. trust in God was more or less the "theme" of my life this year...so much so that the tattoo i'm considering is the aramaic word for trust used in Daniel, talking about the great trust Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had when they refused to bow down and then entered the fire.

as i leave 2007 behind, i also leave flower mound once more. i have known this was coming for a while now, and i made myself a promise: don't detach from this place before you leave it. don't disconnect too early...instead, be where you are while you are there. i think that for the most part, by the power of Christ, i have done that. i have had some amazing experiences and learned some incredible lessons because of it. one of those many lessons was how to better trust my Saviour. another lessons dealt with showing me how much i still think of me first...and how to try and change that too.
anyway...i've stayed here. in fact, i've still got another week or two before leaving. i wouldn't be surprised if they prove the most challenging yet. but because of what the Lord has shown me, i do not face the coming weeks and months (which i'm sure will be full of more growth and change) in fear. i face them with...dare i say it?...courage, i think. but it's an unfamiliar courage--something not of myself. something from God.
experiencing a gift such as this really makes me fall even more in love with my Jesus. and, frankly, it's teaching me how to love my family and friends more. trust me, i'm still working out the kinks...but i'm learning.

sometimes i don't feel ready to leave this year or this town. but the truth is...i am so ready. bring it on, 2008! i expect this year will be pretty great.

oh Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight

i want to write. really.

i've opened up this page so many times to start a post. i have a lot to say, and i'd like a chance to say it.

but for some reason i can't. don't ask me why...i have no idea. it's just been one of those weeks where i just can't write, no matter how much i try. whether it's a blog, journal entry, etc...i just open up the blank page, freeze up, and close it right back.

i think i've been doing that with more than just my writing lately. i don't know what my deal is, honestly. maybe there are some things this week that i'm just afraid to start.

time for some self-reflection??? i'm thinking yes.

frustrated in flower mound

my health issues have become a bit overwhelming lately.

just had a procedure done yesterday confirming that i have a stomach ulcer. i'll be starting the medication for that tomorrow.

i am insulin resistant, which means i am at great risk for developing type II diabetes later in life. i have had so many different doctors' opinions on this that it makes my head spin. first i was told i did not have diabetes...then i was told i did. i've been on at least 8 different medications, all of which either didn't work or had undesirable side effects. the most recent, and most common, opinion is that i do NOT have diabetes, but am definitely insulin resistant and therefore at risk.
this, along with some other health complications, makes it very easy for me to gain weight and very difficult for me to lose it. naturally, the weight gain caused by these problems just makes them all worse, which causes more of the weight gain and all the other not-so-fun symptoms of insulin resistance... vicious cycle.

i have had sleep problems for as long as i can remember. i was recently put on medications that REALLY help with that issue.

since i got back from freshman year i have been really fighting to lose weight and get in control of my health. it's been a difficult battle because of the complications with my medications.

irony? i am finally starting to get my lifestyle in order for my health...and i'm actually gaining weight. care to guess why???

because that sleep medication--the one that works so well--just HAPPENS to also cause severe weight gain.

...that's just fabulous.

i am frustrated.

and all in all...yes, i know that God is in control. and yes, i finally have a doctor who is doing all he can to work with me on this. i'm changing, i'm adapting, and i'm growing. and all in all, i am learning more and more how to take care of my health bette...which is a very good thing. and i trust the Lord with all of this.

but today i am frustrated and tired. i am okay, i don't doubt the Lord's ability to get me through any situation, and i am not without great joy because of all He has done for me. today i am just tired. that's all. just...tired.

wanna hear a funny story??

today started out fairly normal. i woke up, got ready for the day, and drove to school to take my last final exam of the semester--Anatomy and Physiology. i remember it was really difficult, and i was the first person to finish so i was kind of scared that maybe i didn't think things through enough. however, i was incredibly drowsy, and i honestly could not tell you what any of the test questions were. i'm surprised i didn't fall asleep right there taking the test.

when i came home, i went straight to bed. i'm pretty sure that i was out the moment my head hit the pillow. i must have been even more tired than i thought, and i must have been sleeping pretty hard.

now, in hindsight, i can tell you a vague idea of what i remember of this morning. but when i awoke from my nap at 12:30 i looked at the clock and literally started bawling. i forgot i had already taken the test...i was freaking out, just sure that i would have a zero on my final and end up failing the class. i ran downstairs and asked my mom why she didn't come make sure i was up in time for my final, and then SHE started freaking out. she kept saying that she remembered hearing me leave and come home this morning. so...we're both crying, and suddenly it dawns on me...i've already taken the test. then, of course, once i figured that out my mom started yelling at me for scaring her like that. i think both of us came very close to a heart attack...

so, it's funny now...but those were possibly the most awful five minutes of the semester.

not a fan of finals week

so, today was not a great day. and i can't deny that i am very frustrated, with myself and with certain circumstances.

it is really tempting, not to mention easy, to indulge in that frustration. dwell in it. let it simmer a little bit until it turns into bitterness, because instead of changing the situation i'm just frustrated with it. yeah...that would be really easy. it's also very tempting to use this moment to vent. i could discuss my various frustrations...but...well, somehow that just doesn't sound very productive or beneficial.

i don't want to dwell, and i don't want to let it simmer. i mean, well, i guess i kind of do. but i know that the outcome of that is way less than desirable. what i want is to choose Christ and forget about myself and my own frustrations. what i want, when i really think about it, is to just not bother with the emotions and stress and all that. i would really rather take the peace of the Lord right now. i would really, really like that.

so...i'm thinking that peace is what i'll pursue.

welcome to the calm before the storm hits

more musings from otherwise boring driving time...


i'm wondering if maybe our culture doesn't know how to appreciate silence and stillness. we're very busy people...Busy is our middle name. i noticed this is myself as i was driving.

daily car routine: start car, fasten seatbelt, turn on radio/cd/ipod...then drive. listen to/sing along with said music, reach destination, park, unfasten seatbelt, turn radio off, and get out of car.
it is also customary to listen to the ipod while exercising, and play music from my computer whenever i'm doing homework.

any moment that i am still, i listen to music. and any moment that it is quiet, i am moving. i never appreciate still silence. somehow i think i am not the only one who does this...

don't get me wrong, i cherish those moments when i can be still. but i don't really seek them out. there's an awkwardness to silence and stillness. and people are usually not big fans of awkwardness.

from these observations, i wonder...just how much are we missing out on by not seeking out silence? sometimes, for me, those silent and still moments are usually times that God speaks and moves. or rather, since i'm being silent and still, i can focus on appreciating how He works. and in the moments when i am constantly moving/talking/listening to music, sometimes i push Him aside a little bit. not to say that there is anything wrong with music or communication or movement...of course not. i'm talking in circles...

i just think that i don't seek out silence, and i think part of that might be because i don't always want to listen. and i think that i don't seek out stillness, and part of that might be because i don't always want to see the Lord move. i want to turn those things around. i want to seek out silence and stillness and turn my eyes upon Jesus.
i want to enjoy the rests in life, as well as the melodies.. because it takes both to make the song.

"it comes down to the moment when faith eclipses fear"

another day that i just need to write.

God is very good. really. i have been blessed with this amazing group of sixth grade girls to walk alongside for the past semester. frankly, i'm going to miss them a lot. as always, God has managed to use them to change me in radical ways...and i like it. i mean, the whole process of change is not exactly fun. but i like who i am on the other side of it.

i've noticed some particular things Christ is doing in me with these girls...i really like who i am with them. i think that the times i am with them are some of those rare occasions where i glimpse the woman God is moulding me into--while still, at the same time, being humbled by how much i have yet to learn.
i am pretty confident that teaching just isn't my gift. however, i also know that God can use people as teachers who aren't necessarily gifted at teaching. that's pretty humbling, too.
i never was much for praying aloud. it was always so awkward for me and i kind of hated it. i suppose i was worried about saying the right things since other people were listening. funny...cause i know that the opinion of the One i pray to matters a lot more than those of the people around me. i think that's one of those head-to-heart things i've been working on. now, it still makes me a little nervous to pray in front of people. but i find myself more and more open to it. and through the situations that i have prayed aloud with a group or just one other person, God has taught me how valuable a time that can be, and how many walls can be broken down between friends when they open their hearts to God in front of one another. i think those are some of my favorite "beautiful moments."

i caught a glimpse of more than one beautiful moment tonight. it was amazing...and reminded me again just how good God is. the first beautiful moment was when i got to spend a half hour or so talking to an old friend and hearing about the amazing works God is doing in her life. i have known her for a long time and it is amazing to see the radical changes God has made in her. she is so beautiful. next, i got to spend some precious time with my small group for our last night of bible study together. i think tonight was the first time they finally all opened up and just talked about their relationships with God. that was beautiful, too.

i think that i would like to sit down to coffee with each of those girls as often as i can in the coming months/years/whatever to reconnect. i expect great things from each of them, and i am thrilled to see how Christ will mould them.

change may be difficult...but the result is truly beautiful.