"if you don't play that trumpet, Lord who's gonna make all that noise?"

whenever i go to a graduation ceremony (which, granted, isn't very often, but i've been to 2 since i got home from school), i tend to spend most of it thinking of how we could cut down on the time and still allow the parents to enjoy the thing.

i'm thinking if you cut out middle names, that's at least ten minutes, depending on the size of the class and how fast the speaker says the names.
if we could have people hold their applause at the beginning until all the administrators are being named instead of just clapping after each one, that's probably a minute or two.
instead of waiting for applause and general whooping to die down after each kid's name is called, the announcer could time it out and just have a few seconds between names.
the choir (or whatever performing group) could be on the risers ready to go and stay there until they're done singing their last song.
the senior class song could be played all the way through during the recessional instead of taking up part of the ceremony and only playing an excerpt (for which they probably just clicked on the itunes sample...).
if they can coordinate the processional so that kids come in on the left and right, i think they could also do it so that half the kids come in on both sides from the back, and half come in from the front.
every kid who gives a speech could cut out the preliminary "As I was writing this speech, I thought to myself..." and just launch right into an actual speech. a clear, concise, and not-so-cliche one too, if possible.

nevertheless, i am very proud of my friends who graduated this year. i am glad i attended their graduations, and i definitely joined in on the general applause and whooping for people that i knew. one such graduate is my brother, who has already begun working for a company called Spectrum Sound, Inc. He is spending his first three weeks of work in Birmingham, AL, and the next three weeks in Naples, FL. every time he calls he sounds so exhausted, but he's got a job doing what he loves and i'm so proud of him for it! i can't wait to visit him in nashville again.
to all my friends who graduated this year, congratulations!!! the whole world now knows that you can successfully walk across a stage. :)

"and this breeze blew in with a glitch in the tide..."

i'm wondering...

...when Christianity turned into Churchianity.

...why, despite my best efforts, for a year i let myself stay stuck in a big fat comfort zone.

...why i didn't listen to people about the comfort zone thing. they warned me about it, and i thought i was heeding their warnings, but...well, i forgot to pay close enough attention...

...how much i've really underestimated the vastness of the Father's love.

...how soon i will be able to get a summer job.

...if i will be able to tackle this next obstacle--one which i face with eagerness and determination, but still some fear of failure nonetheless.

...why i can be so fickle sometimes.

...how people i love can change so much for the worse.

...how much i've really changed and just don't see it.

yeah...i've got a lot on my mind right now. and don't take this blog the wrong way...i'm quite happy with all the events taking place in my life right now. the Lord has blessed me with joy in stressful times before, and He continues to do so now...and i'm honestly doing really well. these are just the things on my brain. bunch o' nonsense, mostly. it's pretty messy up there in my head. :)

"I know that you hope for longer goodbyes. embracing for forever, and falling in your eyes..."

so for no particular reason i popped in the old dashboard confessional cd today. maybe cause that tends to be part of my "music for the drift." i guess i get really pensive whenever i'm about to end one part of my life and start something else. not like any real dramatic change is happening. but i'm reflecting on my freshman year of college...who i was...how i've changed. it's good that this semester is ending. like i've already said, i'm ready for it to. and with every moment i am more and more eager to see my family, and to see my friends whom i've missed so much. to tell you the truth, it was often more difficult to be away from them than i let on. it hurt, sometimes, to know that they were changing and i wasn't a part of it. but it was nice, too, to know that i was changing.

i think people always go through the typical sludge any year in life. but for some reason, whether the sludge is excessive or not, it is emphasized, magnified, the freshman year of college. i think the somewhat drastic lifestyle changes that are made so abruptly when you head off to college make you just a bit more sensitive to all the rest of it.
i guess i couldn't really tell you how bad the sludge was this year, because it really was magnified for me. i suppose the first bit was when my grandfather's health went south at the end of summer.
...then some "issues" with my extended family.
...my mother's health...my father's...my own.
...the difficulty of finding a new church home here, added to a strong feeling of not wanting to let go of my home church in flower mound.
...the death of a dear friend.
...losing touch with more than a few people whom i love very much.
...adjusting to the fact that my brother is not the big part of my life he once was.
...some more personal things that i won't get into right now.

all in all, these events (along with some other not-so-crummy ones) changed me a little bit. you could say that this year, more than most, i've gotten a nice big dose of reality. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i needed it. but there have been days i was wearied by it. there will be more.

i think i'd like to just let go of the sludge. see, the reason that i wasn't weighed down by it all year is because my Savior wouldn't let me stay stuck in it. He moved me in many ways.
...i got to spend 2 1/2 weeks in Holland doing nothing but serving Him.
...i got to mend some of the "issues" with family.
...i found a possible church home in a very unexpected place.
...i gained new, wonderful friends.
...there are some people i lost touch with who, nonetheless, will be able to pick up the friendship right where we left off.
...as always, i learned more about myself and about the Lord i so gladly serve.

and...some of the problems still aren't "solved." i will never claim to any of you that i have everything "all figured out" (if i ever do, please kindly drop an ACME anvil on my head).
i like not having everything all figured out. somehow, if it makes any sense, the fact that my life isn't all hunky-dory makes the blessings that much better. it also makes the lessons that much more meaningful.

i don't want a perfect, mess-free life. i want a genuine, abundant, Spirit-led one. one where i can gladly admit that i've got problems...cause everyone else does too. the thing is, though...i can claim just as confidently that i have Someone who's there with me in my troubles and in my weakness. now that, my friends, is an awesome thing to share with people. He is revolutionizing my life...and i like it.

as the semester draws to a close...

so much has been on my mind lately. for a while i let myself get a bit too stressed out. right now, truth is...i'm just tired. i kind of wish i had a little bit of a break to look forward to, rather than a summer of classes and work. i know that would bore me, though, and quite quickly. any summer that i've spent "relaxing and doing nothing" has just felt so wasted. yes, it's good to relax...but it's the "doing nothing" that gets really annoying. i need to be busy with something, and truth is i would really like to have a job over the summer. so that's what i'm doing. i've been warned, though, about taking summer classes...a friend of mine here at Sam took a full load every semester, and also every summer and winter session. it allowed her to graduate within four years, but she said it just about killed her with stress...she overworked herself. even though she is done with college on time, she told me that she regrets not giving herself time to slow down.

maybe there's a good point to that. maybe i should let the summer be a little bit of a break for me. it would be nice to take a break from all the studying and actually have an opportunity to relax when i come home from work each day. it might be a good idea to consider that before i run off to register for these summer classes.

on another note, i'm glad to say that the semester is coming to a rather peaceful end. the Lord has blessed me with so many things...with really great friends from school to miss over the summer (and perhaps even to visit over the summer), with peace about exams and all the stressful parts of ending a semester, and with friends and family whom i love enough to have missed quite a bit over the year. now i get to see those friends and family, and actually spend some time with them. i really look forward to it. and when next semester comes around, i will be looking forward to that too. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm really content and at peace with where i am at this very moment. the anxiety isn't there and it's just...nice.

my brother graduates from college this saturday, and i get to go see him in nashville. so many wonderful things lie ahead of him...i am so so proud of him and will miss him as he starts his life "out in the real world," living in tennessee. but hey...it gives me a great excuse to visit nashville whenever i feel like it. :)

"I have to say the words I fear the most: I just don't know."

This is a song that i was listening to randomly today and...well, even though i've heard it dozens of times it just struck me today because, well, it's true. (oh, and uh, warning: there's a bit of my usual rambling in here too. sorry bout that. haha)

And the pain falls like a curtain On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most: I just don’t know.

And the questions without answers Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all, For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains Is: who am I?

Can I form a single mountain? Take the stars in hand and count them?
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me?
He is first and last before all that has been, Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge!
How unsearchable! for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things...

So let us worship before the throne Of the One who is worthy of worship alone!
--Steven Curtis Chapman

God reminded me today...as He oh so often does...that He is just...well, God. i'm not sure how to articulate it. He's just sovereign. and faithful...and even though He has revealed so many of His characteristics to me over and over again, i'm still speechless and amazed each time His glory is revealed. ha...i guess i make it sound like that's a bad thing. it's so not. it's amazing...i mean, it's sad that i forget who He is sometimes...but it's so incredible that He never ceases to bring me to my knees, at a loss for words.
that exact thing happened today. no words. nothing. just amazed. i think i wouldn't mind one bit if that happened even more often. i kinda need it. well, He knows what i need...i'm not all that concerned about it...He'll provide. agh. i love Him!

weird thing? i'm so incredibly tired...but then...i'm so not.