"I know that you hope for longer goodbyes. embracing for forever, and falling in your eyes..."

so for no particular reason i popped in the old dashboard confessional cd today. maybe cause that tends to be part of my "music for the drift." i guess i get really pensive whenever i'm about to end one part of my life and start something else. not like any real dramatic change is happening. but i'm reflecting on my freshman year of college...who i was...how i've changed. it's good that this semester is ending. like i've already said, i'm ready for it to. and with every moment i am more and more eager to see my family, and to see my friends whom i've missed so much. to tell you the truth, it was often more difficult to be away from them than i let on. it hurt, sometimes, to know that they were changing and i wasn't a part of it. but it was nice, too, to know that i was changing.

i think people always go through the typical sludge any year in life. but for some reason, whether the sludge is excessive or not, it is emphasized, magnified, the freshman year of college. i think the somewhat drastic lifestyle changes that are made so abruptly when you head off to college make you just a bit more sensitive to all the rest of it.
i guess i couldn't really tell you how bad the sludge was this year, because it really was magnified for me. i suppose the first bit was when my grandfather's health went south at the end of summer.
...then some "issues" with my extended family.
...my mother's health...my father's...my own.
...the difficulty of finding a new church home here, added to a strong feeling of not wanting to let go of my home church in flower mound.
...the death of a dear friend.
...losing touch with more than a few people whom i love very much.
...adjusting to the fact that my brother is not the big part of my life he once was.
...some more personal things that i won't get into right now.

all in all, these events (along with some other not-so-crummy ones) changed me a little bit. you could say that this year, more than most, i've gotten a nice big dose of reality. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i needed it. but there have been days i was wearied by it. there will be more.

i think i'd like to just let go of the sludge. see, the reason that i wasn't weighed down by it all year is because my Savior wouldn't let me stay stuck in it. He moved me in many ways.
...i got to spend 2 1/2 weeks in Holland doing nothing but serving Him.
...i got to mend some of the "issues" with family.
...i found a possible church home in a very unexpected place.
...i gained new, wonderful friends.
...there are some people i lost touch with who, nonetheless, will be able to pick up the friendship right where we left off.
...as always, i learned more about myself and about the Lord i so gladly serve.

and...some of the problems still aren't "solved." i will never claim to any of you that i have everything "all figured out" (if i ever do, please kindly drop an ACME anvil on my head).
i like not having everything all figured out. somehow, if it makes any sense, the fact that my life isn't all hunky-dory makes the blessings that much better. it also makes the lessons that much more meaningful.

i don't want a perfect, mess-free life. i want a genuine, abundant, Spirit-led one. one where i can gladly admit that i've got problems...cause everyone else does too. the thing is, though...i can claim just as confidently that i have Someone who's there with me in my troubles and in my weakness. now that, my friends, is an awesome thing to share with people. He is revolutionizing my life...and i like it.