"the drum beats out of time..."

i'm having one of those weeks. a week where i'm just totally wearied by the world. i'm so tired of the nonsense that goes on every day...and i've been feeling quite isolated from everything. i dunno...i can't really explain it.

it's different this time around though. i've been through weeks like this before, but this time the weariness is mingled with joy and hope. as tired as i am, the joy of the Lord remains in me, and i can't help but be reminded by the hope of His glory. i know one Day all of the tiresome ways of the world will end. i look forward to that Day.

it seems that because of the state i've been in this week, i have had more "quality time" with the Lord. maybe because i realize the need? or just because i have more time to think, and to talk to Him? i don't know. whatever the reason, there is a bittersweetness to my days. i have an overflowing joy from the Lord. still, that doesn't mean i'm not weary.

so...that was incredibly redundant, i'm sure. but oh well. i needed to get those thoughts out. peace out homies. :)

beautiful moments i will never forget.

i will never forget...

...sitting with you in DFW airport reading the Bible...in Dutch.

...laughing with you one tuesday night until we quite literally fell on the floor, all because somebody got the hoorays.

...the night when we laid down in the middle of the road to look at the stars...and almost got run over. (i know, i know...)

...getting to share with you the beauty of my favorite place on earth.

...the time last semester when you were the only good friend i had.

...singing with you in the pouring rain on the pine cove shores dock.

...girls' nights with all of you, where we could all just be stupid and didn't care.

...sitting on the roof with you at my brother's house in nashville, watching the fireflies dance.

..."going on a drive" with you...which of course meant windows down, music blaring, and no song would ever be finished.

...laughing with you in Holland when i was "drunk tired."

..."lakin' it," cause sometimes there's just nothin better.

...that ridiculous pillow fight, which i have no idea why i remember so well.

...seeing your purty face every tuesday night, eager to learn more about God's Word.

...tubing with you and then, out of nowhere..."so, predestination and free will. GO."

...seeing your face first thing every day when i leave choir.

...the night when my dad was in the hospital and the two of you just came and sat with me, cause you knew, whether or not i admitted it, i needed someone that day.

...talking with you till the wee hours of the morning after i haven't seen you in months, laughing hysterically the entire time at your stupid penguin jokes.


okay...obviously there's way more than this. but these are the things that came to mind today. have a lovely day all!!

"you don't know how lovely you are..."

so, the college thing.

i'm not perfect at it. there's a lot i have left to learn. a LOT. i see that more and more every day.

i'm learning more and more about myself every day...like for example, today i learned that i'm a bit more vulnerable than i realize...life actually can sting me. i know, sounds silly...i mean, i know i'm not immune to human pain. but some part of me was always just like, "this can't get to you. you can't let it. you have to be stronger than this, whatever it takes." and honestly...that part of me needs to shut up. there are things that have happened in the past year or so that have really struck me down. and if i can't admit it hurts then i can't admit i need the Lord to bring me through it.
i NEED the Lord to bring me through it.
on the other hand, i still know that, because i have my beloved Saviour, what hurts me doesn't have to break me. and it's not as big in the long run as it seemed to begin with. still...when you're in it, you're in it, and you can't get yourself out.

i'm learning more and more about my friends every day...i'm realizing that i have this wonderful body of believers with me, who i'm growing with and who are teaching me so very much. i appreciate all of you so incredibly much...we need each other at all times, not just when times are rough. and i am so glad that i have you at all times.

i'm learning so much about God every day...some of it is a reiteration/renewed perspective of things i've already learned. some of it is completely new to me. in short, God is loving me, and i am loving Him, and i still don't even halfway understand how to love Him like i should. beautiful thing: He's trying to teach me and grow me and KNOW me...NOT scold me.

like i said at the beginning of this post...i'm not perfect at the college thing. i'm not perfect at the life thing. not even close. but it doesn't matter. i am learning, i am growing. i am living and loving for my Saviour, and that is as it should be. He has carried me to where i am and He will not let go of me. i love Him.

and that's...that's me right now. i'm hurting...
i'm growing...
i'm healing...
i'm learning...
i'm loving...
i'm trusting.
and so many more great things. again, friends...God is ever beautiful.

"there's still fire in you yet. yeah, there's still fire in you."

today has been oh so very wishy washy. i've been in a wonky mood. whenever i'm around people, i want to be left alone...whenever i'm alone, i wish i had someone to hang out with. bizarre? perhaps. hasn't exactly been the best day ever either, but i'm kind of over that...none of the bad stuff was really that much of a big deal in the long run.

i think i had a successful turnaround though. i was just going to come home and sleep...but on my walk home i always pass this pretty hill on campus. and when i passed it today, i thought, "wow, this weather is amazing, and i never spend enough time outside. i want to go sit on the hill and just bask in the silence and the beautiful day." so i laid on the hill for about an hour...watching leaves fall, laughing at squirrels...being silent, talking to God about anything and everything. it was awesome. more days like this one please? yes, i think so.

to my fellow musicians.

i don't understand why people don't enjoy singing the same song more than once. sure, it may be the same configuration of ink on paper...but it's NEVER the same music. the song is new every time you sing it--even moreso each time you sing it with a new ensemble or director. the song changes with you. it's never the same...

...let the music change with you, and even let the music change you. don't think that a song must get boring the more it is sung. there should be new ways to rejoice through music every time it is made. let the music you make be as new as the day is.

i don't think many words are required on this subject, though i could provide them if that were necessary. please just enjoy the music you make. it is an art, given by a creative God to the similarly creative beings He put here on earth. so...yeah. enjoy it. :)

"and i, i won't keep my heart from You this time"

what's on my mind today...

i don't get enough alone time. time to think, pray, read, write...any of it. it just doesn't happen as often as it should. i need to work on that.

i have this complex, that i thought had gone away a while back. but anyway, the thing is...i can't cry. as in the production of tears never takes place. i'm not a weepy person, but i would consider it odd when i've cried once in the last 10 months or so.

the weather couldn't BE more beautiful. just one more reason i love huntsville.

i want to see the magnolia trees in full bloom again.

anyone in hunts can tell rain is coming. you can just smell it, feel it, days before it comes. me, i'm ready for the rain. if it makes any sense to anyone else...for me there's just something (for lack of a better word) magical about rainy days. well, i know why i love them so much. but still...they're just always special days. i love the rain.

i wouldn't mind it one bit if i moved to europe tomorrow.

technology is becoming my enemy. i need to take some time away from the laptop, cell phone, etc. i've actually been working on that...limiting my internet time...not checking my cell/ texting quite so often.

i need to get out of the funk i've allowed myself to get in schoolwise.

migraines are a plague on my existence.

i am blessed to have the most rockin awesome friends ever. i say that all the time...but that's cause it's true all the time.

somehow those same friends who are so incredibly awesome...know just how to make you feel incredibly AWKWARD. haha. guess that comes with the package of having friends who know you well. meh. i'll take the awkwardness. makes life more interesting.

i'm getting off the computer right now and doing something with my life.

"trace the shape of my heart till it becomes more familiar to Your eyes."

this is a journal entry from last summer...near the end of the Holland trip, actually. i read through it today and was just like...i should post this. so anyway, this is what was on my mind that day:

7.27.06 4:20 pm Dallas Time
Truly...what if the people of God actually trusted Him? if we actually laid down our worries-laid down our very LIVES-for Christ's sake? what if we all did? or even just a few? how would that look? how would it change the world we live in? because i am convinced that the world would be changed by it. God changes us inside out-starts in our hearts and then creates a revolution through our lives. i want my life to be a HUGE revolution in which brothers and sisters growing around me gladly join.
in my life i want to see the body of Christ live more like the body of Christ. living unified, living abundantly, living in love. i want to see us grow in that. i know it will not be perfected or complete until God's grace is made complete at the end of the age. but we can choose now to live as a more unified and loving body for Christ. at least moreso than we have been. that love is the love we are to be KNOWN by! so let us walk in it! that way those who are not in Christ will see it and want what we have. i firmly believe that. because, especially here, i have seen it. people have recognized, of all things, HOW WE TREAT EACH OTHER. they SEE it. it matters. let our choice always be love, because we love God.
"As they were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed Him. And two blind men sitting by the road, hearing that Jesus was passing by, cried out, 'Lord, have mercy on us, Son of David!' The crowd sternly told them to be quiet, but they cried out all the more, 'Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!' And Jesus stopped and called them, and said, 'What do you want me to do for you?' They said to Him, 'Lord, we want out eyes to be opened.' Moved with compassion, Jesus touched their eyes; and immediately they regained their sight and followed Him." --Matthew 20:29-34
the blind men whose eyes were healed didn't just leave it at that. the healing wasn't the end of the story. after they regained their sight, they followed Christ.

Adventures in San Antonio, part 1

I've been in San Antonio for only two days (for the Texas Music Educators Association convention) and it's already been...interesting.

The night before we left, we had a "single's awareness day" party with the gals at our dorm. That was definitely a blast! Only downside (if you want to call it that)? I ended up getting about 1 hour of sleep, give or take. Suffice to say...Hannah drove. We were having a great time until tiredhead hit Amanda and I...we both passed out at about the same time. Once we got to our (hole in the wall!) hotel, we were informed that we couldn't check in yet...so we made our way to get some food. Turns out, there's this AMAZING little diner right next to our hotel. It's called Lulu's. It's cheap, the food's great, and they make one AMAZING cup of coffee. I'm having one right now, as a matter of fact!

Anywho. We left Lulu's and headed to the convention, where we proceeded to shop until it closed at 5:00. I'm definitely not the shopping type...I get tired of it REALLY fast. But considering everything for sale is music related, I was like a kid in a candy store. I mean, come on. It's a convention for music educators. They've got everything you could ever want. Or at least everything I could. Last year I bought so many stickers for my piano students that I didn't even get to use them all. Yes, that is exactly the kind of nerd I am. And I happen to like it that way, thanks.

Today was spent attending meetings...going to concerts...sitting in on all-state choir rehearsals...and attempting to catch up with my MHS all-stater friends. GOSH I love those kids. I'm sad that I don't have more chances to see them. But it's okay...I get to hear them sing beautifully tomorrow! I am VERY excited.

What's the adventure part, you ask? Well for one: it's NO exaggeration to say our hotel is a hole in the wall. There's a questionable smell when the heater turns on, and even when it's on you're still freezing. The toilet barely works (I know, gross). The shower has plenty of water pressure but instead of spraying towareds you like a normal shower, the water sprays in a very wide circle, so that the wall and floor get much more wet than you ever will. And I definitely would not feel safe drinking the tap water. I mean surrously...this place makes me miss HUNTSVILLE water. No lie. So yeah...every moment in that room is a special experience...and in the end it's flippin hysterical.
We've been parking every day at this bank downtown because the parking there is cheap and you at least FEEL like the car is safer because it's on the second floor of a parking garage. But tonight, we didn't get back until much later than last night...so the bank was kind of, how you say, closed. So in short, we all had a bit of a panic attack thinking we wouldn't be able to get to our car. After said panic attack, we proceeded to find the security guard, who very kindly let us in and wished us a good night. But, man...when I finally got in my car, i gave it a big long hug. I mean, I only thought I couldn't get to it for about ten minutes...but, man, that was a LONG ten minutes. I think Hannah and I said, "Thank you Lord!" quite emphatically about 75 times on the way back to the hotel.

At the moment, hannah and i are relaxing quite cozily at Lulu's. I have now had three cups of coffee. erm...maybe we should keep me away from coffee when I've had a stressful day. but dude...this is one AWESOME cup of coffee.

"when it's over, is it really over?"

i find it intriguing that you can learn so much from an experience while you're in it...and then once it's over, you can learn something new each time you look back on it. i suppose that's because each time you look back on it, you have grown...you're a slightly different person...you have new perspectives on it. but it just never ceases to amaze me that the Lord can use your past to teach you just as well as He can use your present. there are so many things in my life that i look back on now and, because of the cumulative growth from the past (nearly) 19 years, see something totally different than what i saw at first viewing. it's kind of like watching your favorite childhood movie when you've "grown up" a bit more.

take the original BBC Chronicles of Narnia movies, for example. as a child, i was hooked on those films, even though they were 3 hours long EACH. i was hooked on them because of the storyline, i suppose...i'm still hooked on the books. really great story. but anyway...i tried to watch one of them a couple of months ago for the first time in probably a decade. i realized for the first time how awfully the story was depicted, how foul the acting was, the huge lack of any kind of meaningful soundtrack...etc. the list could go on and on. my point being...when i was a kid i didn't know the story could be depicted more than one way. i couldn't process the fact that it might be different...i just loved the story. i didn't know what bad acting was. i hadn't become accustomed to films with excellent music in the background. now, i can honestly say that in my opinion, those versions of the movies were rather awfully done. but no matter...the story remains. and i learn from it. :)

so maybe that was a bad example of what's going through my mind. i'm really bad at stringing my thoughts together, and even worse at making coherent analogies...so forgive me. i'm tired. :P

"if you don't mind, i'd like some time to try and play it all."

i come to a certain point, about once or twice a month actually, where i find the need to go back and read my journals. there's so much of ME in there...so much personal growth visible, just spilled out onto the page. this weekend i plan to delve back into my more recent journals, and really just notice how i've changed. also...it helps me to remember things i've learned.

many times in my journal i write down quotes, and so i must periodically check through it and find those quotes so i can record them somewhere. (i actually have a blog site just for all my quotes. dorky, i know, but it's the best organizing system i could think of.) so, here are a couple of the quotes i found when i went digging today. they really struck me.

"We were afraid of crude salvationism, afraid of a breach with the spirit of the age, afraid of ridicule, afraid (above all) of real spiritual fears and hopes." --C.S. Lewis
"Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?" -C.S. Lewis
"The weakness of so many modern Christians is that they feel too much at home in the world. In their effort to achieve restful "adjustment" to unregenerate society they have lost their pilgrim character and become an essential part of the very moral order against which they are sent to protest. The world recognizes them and accepts them for what they are. And this is the saddest thing that can be said about them. They are not lonely, but neither are they saints." --A.W. Tozer
"joy is love exultant, peace is love in repose, and long suffering is love enduring. It is all love, you see, a gentleness is love in society, and goodness is love in action, and faith is love on the battle-field, and meekness is love at school, and temperance is love in training."--D.L. Moody

and in honor of valentine's day...LOL...a quote that i thought was just really sweet:
"I never told her she was perfect...and she was perfect every day." --Liam Neeson, 'Love Actually'

more random thoughts from this crazy lady at another time. enjoy your day, everyone, and peace out homies! :)

i kind of apologize for this. it's just more senseless ramblings. w00t.

I have SOOOOO much on my mind right now. So, I believe it is time for a nice little rant. Of sorts.

I have a lot of fears. Fears that yes, I know, are fairly unfounded and just need to be placed in the Lord’s hands. But they are my fears nonetheless. I am afraid that music is not where I belong. That perhaps I only picked this major because I know I’m good at it. Why did I pick it? Is there somewhere else I should be instead? It’s all so fuzzy right now. I am afraid that I will fail at school. Yes, I am aware that such a failure doesn’t mean anything to true success. True success has nothing to do with who you are on paper and everything to do with who you are. Who God created you to be. Your willingness to be that person no matter what. Still…I am afraid that I will fail, and most of all I fear the consequences of such a failure. I am afraid of heartache. I am so careful with my heart, because frankly, I fear that whomever I let hold it will stomp it on the floor. It wouldn’t be the first time…and I’m well aware that it wouldn’t be the last. I’m smarter than that. But I fear the consequences of allowing myself to be vulnerable with people. I have been working on this particular area in my life for a while now. I’ve gotten better at opening up. Want to know the funny part of the story? Whatever lies may be thrown at you about it, the fear only gets worse once you let yourself be more vulnerable. The more you open up and be yourself, the more fear and doubt will enter in.

So…as always, the difficult but necessary thing is to trust it all in the Lord. Admit the fear exists, but don’t let it take over. TRUST the Lord, for cryin out loud! Why do I have so much trouble with that? I think sometimes I have a lot of difficulty maintaining an eternal perspective, so I lose sight of what God might have to do with all of this. For goodness’ sake…I know that my entire life is for Him. I want to live out my life for Him and only Him. I love Him, and I want to love Him more. But sometimes I just lose sight of things, and get so darn scared! In hindsight it looks so silly, too…but I do it.

There’s this quote from A.W. Tozer that I really love. It says, “O Lord, I want to want Thee. I long to be filled with more longing. I thirst to be made more thirsty still.”
That’s where my heart is right now. Well…that’s pretty much where my heart always is. But this is just one of those times where my heart is like…yes! Exactly! That’s what I’m going through! I suppose it’s rather a good thing. Scary though ;).

I think there will be many more thoughts on this later. Well, I know there will be. Don’t know how many of them will find their way to the public eye…but trust me, there’s more where this came from. This is just all the “coherent” thought I am able to get out right now.

"funny, with so many neighbors, how lonely it can be!"

in case you weren't aware...

being sick while away at college = NOT. FUN.

however, i do have some of the best friends i could ever ask for here...so even though i feel rather awful, i have like 3 "moms" doing everything they can to take care of me.
who could ask for more? :)

"what is this?! a school for ANTS?!?!?!"

I came across a quote today which struck me as rather relevant. So, really all I have for you today is this quote...and feel free to share your thoughts. :)

"The weakness of so many modern Christians is that they feel too much at home in the world. In their effort to achieve restful "adjustment" to unregenerate society they have lost their pilgrim character and become an essential part of the very moral order against which they are sent to protest. The world recognizes them and accepts them for what they are. And this is the saddest thing that can be said about them. They are not lonely, but neither are they saints."

"when your heart's heavy i, i will lift it for you"

been in one of those writing moods all day. all week, really.
finally, an opportunity to put such a mood to good use.
so...
sitting in my desk chair.
writing mode officially turned on.
and this is what's on my mind:

the opportunity i had all through high school to disciple middle school girls (and be discipled in the process) was one of the highlights of my life. it is also the single thing i miss most about flower mound.

it breaks my heart to know that a summer job at pine cove just isn't in the cards for me this year. i've wanted to work there as long as i can remember...but this just isn't my year. we'll see if God leads me there in His own way and time.

i am so incredibly thankful that "success" actually depends solely on my relationship with Christ (a relationship dictated by grace, and by faith given me by the Lord). if it depended on grades, or work ethic in classes i really couldn't care less about, or what job i did or didn't get, or how clean i keep my room, or how well i stick to my diet...or any of the other things i can't think of right now that it doesn't depend on...
well, then i'd be a "loser".
fortunately for me, the victory has already been won. i succeed not because i do or have anything. on the contrary, it is because i am and have nothing without my Saviour. He IS my everything, and so i need never worry.
so, world: if i'm a loser by your terms, that's a-okay with me. your terms are skewed anyhow.

i know i've said it before...but i think that we have become very bad at encouraging people. i think we've forgotten in all our busyness how great it can be for someone to tell you what you mean to them. i think even though it might be scary, it's worth the risk. not because you'll feel better after you say something nice. but rather because by telling someone how much they mean to you, you can make their day that much brighter. what's more, it breaks down walls.
i would rather be honest and vulnerable with someone and feel incredibly stupid for it than never tell them and always regret it (for me, that's a big thing. me and vulnerability never did mix too well).

being a missionary has nothing to do with where you are and everything to do with who you are in Christ. it's so much more a lifestyle than a location. you don't have to preach Christ in Zimbabwe to be a missionary. the thing that is far more difficult than getting travel papers in order is living Christ out on a daily basis. point of being a missionary: live out Christ's love, and be conscious at all times that you belong to a place very much other than this one.
a missionary friend of mine said something i'll never forget: "I just love them till they ask why."
you don't have to go to China, or Mexico, or Europe, or anywhere else to do that. this whole world is equally NOT our Home. i wish i would live every day really KNOWING that.

something that struck me really hard the other day: rather than wishing for something "more," be ever so thankful of every tiny encouragement and blessing. if you stop seeking out marvelous moments in life, then when they come unexpectedly (as they should) they will be that much more marvelous. trust the Lord, let Him guide you through every moment. there's nothing He's incapable of leading you through.

i wish i could remember more often that every moment can be lived to the glory of the Father. then, after remembering it, i wish that i would actually do it.

i don't know if any of that makes sense when my brain tries to turn it into words. oh, well. praise God, as always, that "the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."