i kind of apologize for this. it's just more senseless ramblings. w00t.

I have SOOOOO much on my mind right now. So, I believe it is time for a nice little rant. Of sorts.

I have a lot of fears. Fears that yes, I know, are fairly unfounded and just need to be placed in the Lord’s hands. But they are my fears nonetheless. I am afraid that music is not where I belong. That perhaps I only picked this major because I know I’m good at it. Why did I pick it? Is there somewhere else I should be instead? It’s all so fuzzy right now. I am afraid that I will fail at school. Yes, I am aware that such a failure doesn’t mean anything to true success. True success has nothing to do with who you are on paper and everything to do with who you are. Who God created you to be. Your willingness to be that person no matter what. Still…I am afraid that I will fail, and most of all I fear the consequences of such a failure. I am afraid of heartache. I am so careful with my heart, because frankly, I fear that whomever I let hold it will stomp it on the floor. It wouldn’t be the first time…and I’m well aware that it wouldn’t be the last. I’m smarter than that. But I fear the consequences of allowing myself to be vulnerable with people. I have been working on this particular area in my life for a while now. I’ve gotten better at opening up. Want to know the funny part of the story? Whatever lies may be thrown at you about it, the fear only gets worse once you let yourself be more vulnerable. The more you open up and be yourself, the more fear and doubt will enter in.

So…as always, the difficult but necessary thing is to trust it all in the Lord. Admit the fear exists, but don’t let it take over. TRUST the Lord, for cryin out loud! Why do I have so much trouble with that? I think sometimes I have a lot of difficulty maintaining an eternal perspective, so I lose sight of what God might have to do with all of this. For goodness’ sake…I know that my entire life is for Him. I want to live out my life for Him and only Him. I love Him, and I want to love Him more. But sometimes I just lose sight of things, and get so darn scared! In hindsight it looks so silly, too…but I do it.

There’s this quote from A.W. Tozer that I really love. It says, “O Lord, I want to want Thee. I long to be filled with more longing. I thirst to be made more thirsty still.”
That’s where my heart is right now. Well…that’s pretty much where my heart always is. But this is just one of those times where my heart is like…yes! Exactly! That’s what I’m going through! I suppose it’s rather a good thing. Scary though ;).

I think there will be many more thoughts on this later. Well, I know there will be. Don’t know how many of them will find their way to the public eye…but trust me, there’s more where this came from. This is just all the “coherent” thought I am able to get out right now.