thiiiiis.....didn't end up where it began. cool.

so i was writing today...
remembering things, kind of in a sad mood because i've been mourning some losses in my life over the past 6 months or so. it's odd, really, how much i and the writing style changed from the beginning to the end of the entry. i apologize that it's so long. i also apologize for the style of writing...it's just kind of my random thoughts all over the page. may not make any sense to anyone but me...but in any case i felt like sharing it. :)

sorry. i can't believe i'm saying this. it hasn't really even been a subject on my mind for a very long time. i guess i sort of stay away from it. to keep myself sane? to help myself forget and move on? i don't know.

whatever the case, i...i miss the way things were. i'm different, since then. i've changed so much. over the summer i changed a lot...and now i've changed even more. i'm not sure, either, that all of it was for the better. however, i know some of it was. in the sense that...i've gained some wisdom. in most parts of my life i'm still a fool. but in a few things...simply because they're the things the Lord has been putting on my heart...i'm stronger. wiser. more of the woman God created me to be.
anyway...wow...i don't know how all of that just became a reflection on who i am instead of talking about what has been on my mind today. i don't let myself think about how much i miss it all, because i tend to get a little weepy (yeah, i know...i am a girl after all)when i think of what i've lost. in any case, it's lost. it's done. and it was all so completely out of my control. i guess that's kind of a huge thing to learn. none of the things happening lately, or all of this year, or for that matter all my LIFE, are in my control. it's all in the Lord's hands. which is really good, cause...i tend to kind of screw things up when left to my own devices. moral of the story? since it's not in my hands anyway, i should try letting go of my worries a little bit more. why hold onto something that's not yours? not eternal?

the things i should be holding onto...are those that last.
being an inconstant being, the only part of you that is constant is the part that does not depend on YOU. if you are a child of God, THAT is your only identity! you are HIS!! the Word details what that means and how it should look in your life. in the end, the fact that you belong to and depend on Someone OTHER is all that matters. because, honestly, most of the world depend on themselves. well...ALL of us do. most of the time, actually. and it NEVER works. not once. cause it's not in our power, really, to begin with.
so in short...i should be holding onto my identity in Christ--the only thing that will be sustained against all odds. in fact as i live my life daily, i continue to grow and mature INTO who i truly am in Him.

also, in the Word, (philippians maybe? gosh, i don't remember where) it states the things we should be thinking about. dwelling on. holding fast to. "If anything is pure, noble, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy..." i don't remember it all by heart. but we should be thinking on these things, it says. if i'm going to trust that those words, the very breath of the Father, are true, then i should be changed by it. funny...i should be CHANGING into this constant being. moving dwellings...like from a house on the sand to one built on solid foundations. those foundations are the pure things...the noble things...the lovely things...the admirable and praiseworthy things of the world. basically? all of those things point to the Lord. they all, again, remind me that i have to depend on Someone else. hmmm. interesting.

i like where this thought bubble ended up. much more God-focused, much less me-focused. that tends to be why i write. i have trouble expressing what's going on within me. and those things are mostly focused on little ol' me. but when i can express it in writing, i can take the train the whole way round--to where my thoughts point to the Father, as they inevitably will if i truly "ponder things in my heart" as Mary once did. smart girl, that Mary. i should take after her example a little more. recently she's been added to the list of people i would LOOOOVE to meet. well, one Day soon i'll meet more of my brothers and sisters in Christ than i could possibly imagine. CAN'T WAIT! yay eternity...let's go there.

ROAD TRIP! :)