"this is a tune for the Velvet Elvises"

it's 12:15 in the morning...

i still have homework i need to do...

and i don't think i really have anything in particular to write about...

but i'm just in one of those writing moods. so here goes.

today during my hour drive home from school, i got to thinking: why do we expect maturity out of others, but never exhibit it? why do we love stories about people who grow and change, but are too stubborn to change ourselves?

when someone watches a movie or reads a book, they expect the main character to be different at the end than they were at the beginning. a character that remains static is boring. you change the channel, or put down the book for a new one. why? because we expect people to learn from their experiences and adapt accordingly. we expect it of people in stories, and we expect it of those around us, because it's part of the human condition: we're not perfect, and we're learning new things all the time. but if you learn something and never apply it...well, there's no reason to have learned it. kind of like the classic high schooler's response to math:"when am I EVER going to use this in my life?"...i know i've said it before. i said it because i don't want to waste time learning something i can't use down the road.

so, okay, i've established the point: people expect other people to change.

but i don't think we ever expect ourselves to. while we may whine and ask for an opportunity to be offered, when the opportunity arises we say, "hmmm, i actually think i'm just going to stay where i am. it's nice here. i don't need this change." we may SAY we need to grow, but the fact is that we don't want to. so that brings me to my original question: why do we expect growth/change/maturity out of everyone BUT ourselves?

honestly, i think it's because we're lazy. we like the way things are and when it comes down to it, we don't feel like giving the necessary effort to make important changes in our lives. we don't want to grow up (and yet, of course, we are offended whenever people tell us that we need to). and i don't like that...especially because i know i'm guilty of it too.

just some food for thought. i could write a lot more, but that whole homework thing (plus that whole sleep thing) tells me i should save this for another time.

funny moments :)

so...

do you ever have one of those moments where you're thinking about something really important, and keep thinking about it and analyzing the situation, and make plans in your head of what you need to do by a certain day and time...

...and then get distracted and COMPLETELY forget what you were thinking about? and the only thing you remember is that it was really important? and it makes you worried because you can't figure out what was so important?

that just happened to me. frustrating. and rather exhausting, actually.

something new.

i step off the beaten path. i don't bother to look behind; what is ahead is too intriguing. further and further into the woods i delve, listening to its chirps and bellows, breathing the misty air, feeling branches push past me. it seems quite nice, so i decide to stay. but i cannot stop--i must go deeper.

i look down and notice scrapes on my arms...the vines that gather about me have sharp thorns. i begin to feel the sting but must travel on further.

i stumble a few times. once--or is it twice?--i trip over a branch, falling on my arm. i tell myself not to think about it...this adventure is worth a few scrapes and bruises.

the air is hot and dense, and breathing is difficult. sweat comingles with the blood on my arms and face. a certain type of panic runs through me. my heart beats faster...and yet, surely that is a clearing ahead. i will press on.

darkness now engulfs me. it is not raining but i am drenched in blood and sweat. i fall to my knees and hope that my weeping might wash my face clean. and now i see: i am filthy. dirt covers me head to toe, and my arm hurts from my fall. on my knees, i see that my scrapes have become large wounds. my bruises are worse now. was it worth the adventure to feel this?

i finally look up from my weeping. i glance to my side, and He smiles. He is covered in blood. no...He is covered in MY blood. His robes are tattered and torn. He puts His hand on my shoulder and looks into my eyes. i try to look away, but then...yes...He is weeping too. why is He weeping? this man, this man who has so much of my blood on Him...why?

but now...He...He embraces me. i don't think anyone has ever embraced me like this. He weeps, and embraces me...why? and now He says my name, so gently...and i relax, i fall into His arms at last. no longer do i weep, nor He. we stand--no, He stands, and lifts me. and smiles. oh, that beautiful smile! i begin to smile too, until i look back at my torn body. it is so unclean. He is carrying me--but no! i will make Him more filthy, with my blood, with my sweat! this pure shining man with dirty robes, and i am sure they were pure white once. and they are not now!! because of me!! no, He must stop, He must put me down...

He turns my face once more toward His. He whispers sweet kindnesses in my ear. I cannot take my gaze off of Him, not even for a moment. He sets me down once more; i am in a stream. and His robes! they are white as snow!! and now He is clean, and now, somehow...somehow i am clean! who is this man?

but i know who He is, and i fall to my knees once more. "Oh, Daddy..." i tell Him i'm sorry. i tell Him i'm grateful. and i ask Him the question...i ask Him why. He tells me...He tells me He loves me. He tells me i am His. He reminds me of the first time He carried me out from the forest. i begin to weep, but He lifts me up. He makes me stand and somehow in His gaze i find the power to stay upright and walk on.

"there's something about you--it's just the way you move, the way you move me..."

so...i'm pretty awful at the whole self-discipline thing. i think i may have been better at it at one point in my life, but i'm really not good at it right now. i need to work on that. a lot. or rather...i need to let God work on that. a lot. i guess that's just one closet of my heart i haven't opened the door to for Him yet. so, this is me, opening it. i want to be renovated.

i think i'm pretty bad at loving people, too. i mean, i don't hate the world or anything like that. but i don't think i love as well as i should--the verb, not the emotion. i know i am called to love. i just don't always do it. of course, none of us humans ALWAYS love, and i'm pretty sure none of us has actually loved perfectly. that's kind of a God thing. but i would like to love more perfectly. more completely. you know...lay-down-my-life-for-another kind of love.

there's a very long list of things i'm bad at. i could list them all day and focus on myself and my inadequacies. or i can turn my eyes upon Jesus, knowing that He overcomes all my insufficiencies and uses me for His glory. which, frankly, is pretty much amazing. not just amazing...captivating. i'm captivated by my Saviour. pretty cool stuff, man.

"she's a heck of a girl with no cares in the world, and she likes it that way."

i've been re-evaluating my motivations. i'm a sinner, so i know they're not all pure. but the whole thing about being transformed from the inside out...well, it's true. you can't change your actions first and expect your heart to fall in line, because that's just you trying to do it on your own. but changing your heart first...well, that's a challenge. cause, see, we aren't the ones doing the changing. we're allowing Christ to make changes. renovate, really. He's renovating us. when we let Him.

i want to be renovated. a metamorphosis, that's what i'm lookin for. not because i need something new in my life or because i want to be noticed as an individual; but rather, it is because i know that as a Christian i am dead to my old self...which means the new self should be different. and, you know, alive.

i want to live. like, abundant life kind of living. the kind of living that requires me to let go of what i want and follow the will of the Lord. i want to want Him more, and i want to want the same things He wants for me. that's a lot of wanting...

i think i use the word "need" in places i should just say "want". i say i "need" something because that's a stronger word. but, i mean...to need something means you cannot live without it. there are an awful lot of things in my life that i think i need, but in reality i could very well live without. i WANT a candy bar...i WANT to sleep in rather than go to class...i WANT to buy that movie i really like...i WANT more clothes...etc.

i NEED Christ...i NEED...um...well...actually, that's all. sure, okay, my body needs food and sleep and all that to keep it alive. but on the most basic level, there's only one thing i need, and that's my Saviour.

i also think that i often confuse "uncomfortable" with "bad". i know i've talked a lot about comfort zones, and trying to get out of them more. but really...uncomfortable doesn't mean bad. it means unpleasant. and just because something is unpleasant doesn't mean i should just exclude that from my life. for example, i went to huntsville this weekend. on sunday, i visited an episcopal church with my friends meagan and joe. now, i've never been to an episcopal worship service, and i must say i was very uncomfortable. the people were great. they were really friendly and seem to really love God. but it was...awkward. because it's something i'm not used to. actually, i think that situation is what really got me thinking on this whole subject. so i've been trying to figure out how much of my not liking it was because i really didn't like it, and how much was because i was just really uncomfortable.

and what it has come down to is this: i don't necessarily agree with all of their practices, but i cannot judge the hearts of those people and i cannot deny how amazing it was for strangers to be so loving. it was an uncomfortable situation, but by no means a bad one. God still used that hour or so to teach me and to teach everyone else in that room. He was still glorified. He was as sovereign and majestic in that room as He is anywhere else i go. God doesn't change based on what building you are in or based on what songs you sing or based on the teaching style. He never changes, and He can always be praised and glorified.
now, that being said, i'm not sure that church was my cup of tea. i will keep looking around at the different churches in huntsville next semester to determine where i would like to attend. but i think what's really important is that i learned about God and myself, and i grew closer to Him. i am still learning and growing, and i sincerely hope the learning and growing continues. i think what's really important is that i know now (**not just in fact, but in experience**) that just because people differ in their preference of Sunday worship STYLE doesn't mean they worship a different GOD.

like i said...i'm re-evaluating my motivations. i expect more change and, frankly, i expect at least some of it to be awkward and uncomfortable. but hey, if a relationship with God were always safe and comfortable...well, i'm not sure that's the kind of God i would want to serve.