"she's a heck of a girl with no cares in the world, and she likes it that way."

i've been re-evaluating my motivations. i'm a sinner, so i know they're not all pure. but the whole thing about being transformed from the inside out...well, it's true. you can't change your actions first and expect your heart to fall in line, because that's just you trying to do it on your own. but changing your heart first...well, that's a challenge. cause, see, we aren't the ones doing the changing. we're allowing Christ to make changes. renovate, really. He's renovating us. when we let Him.

i want to be renovated. a metamorphosis, that's what i'm lookin for. not because i need something new in my life or because i want to be noticed as an individual; but rather, it is because i know that as a Christian i am dead to my old self...which means the new self should be different. and, you know, alive.

i want to live. like, abundant life kind of living. the kind of living that requires me to let go of what i want and follow the will of the Lord. i want to want Him more, and i want to want the same things He wants for me. that's a lot of wanting...

i think i use the word "need" in places i should just say "want". i say i "need" something because that's a stronger word. but, i mean...to need something means you cannot live without it. there are an awful lot of things in my life that i think i need, but in reality i could very well live without. i WANT a candy bar...i WANT to sleep in rather than go to class...i WANT to buy that movie i really like...i WANT more clothes...etc.

i NEED Christ...i NEED...um...well...actually, that's all. sure, okay, my body needs food and sleep and all that to keep it alive. but on the most basic level, there's only one thing i need, and that's my Saviour.

i also think that i often confuse "uncomfortable" with "bad". i know i've talked a lot about comfort zones, and trying to get out of them more. but really...uncomfortable doesn't mean bad. it means unpleasant. and just because something is unpleasant doesn't mean i should just exclude that from my life. for example, i went to huntsville this weekend. on sunday, i visited an episcopal church with my friends meagan and joe. now, i've never been to an episcopal worship service, and i must say i was very uncomfortable. the people were great. they were really friendly and seem to really love God. but it was...awkward. because it's something i'm not used to. actually, i think that situation is what really got me thinking on this whole subject. so i've been trying to figure out how much of my not liking it was because i really didn't like it, and how much was because i was just really uncomfortable.

and what it has come down to is this: i don't necessarily agree with all of their practices, but i cannot judge the hearts of those people and i cannot deny how amazing it was for strangers to be so loving. it was an uncomfortable situation, but by no means a bad one. God still used that hour or so to teach me and to teach everyone else in that room. He was still glorified. He was as sovereign and majestic in that room as He is anywhere else i go. God doesn't change based on what building you are in or based on what songs you sing or based on the teaching style. He never changes, and He can always be praised and glorified.
now, that being said, i'm not sure that church was my cup of tea. i will keep looking around at the different churches in huntsville next semester to determine where i would like to attend. but i think what's really important is that i learned about God and myself, and i grew closer to Him. i am still learning and growing, and i sincerely hope the learning and growing continues. i think what's really important is that i know now (**not just in fact, but in experience**) that just because people differ in their preference of Sunday worship STYLE doesn't mean they worship a different GOD.

like i said...i'm re-evaluating my motivations. i expect more change and, frankly, i expect at least some of it to be awkward and uncomfortable. but hey, if a relationship with God were always safe and comfortable...well, i'm not sure that's the kind of God i would want to serve.