"back to you, it always comes around, back to you"

4 years.

that's how long it's been since i've blogged! seems insane, considering that when i started i'm pretty sure i wrote almost daily. why don't i start back in with baby steps. thoughts of the day...

...i read a few of my 'most recent posts' on here- i was looking at nursing schools SIX YEARS AGO. six years. i will finally accomplish that dream (of completing it - i accomplished the dream of getting in!) in december 2015.

...it's been so long since i've wrote, i'm probably the only one visiting this page anymore. i guess that's okay.

...i am upset to find that there is an IMPOSTOR on the interwebs. i decided to just straight up google my blog to try and find it (four years guys - i couldn't remember the login, just the title) and some random photographer is going by the name Slinkygenius. it's even his twitter handle. i'm kind of surprised that someone else even CAME UP with the same name.

...Doctor Who is the only show i actually watch at the time it airs, and i have found that a week is a LONG time between episodes of a show i actually love. but tonight is Doctor Who night!!

 ...blogging is officially WAY more difficult when you've been out of the swing of things for four years.

more next time!

i want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask

i really enjoy looking back on old blogs. it's just so cool sometimes to read what i wrote a month or a year or several years ago. it's mostly cool because, a lot of the time, i look at me-four-years-ago as a completely other person. but when i read what i wrote from then to now, i remember the story part of it. i remember what was going on in my heart and mind during the whole time that i was changing from that girl into this one. it's kind of awesome to be reminded of what the journey was like. i think we forget that part a lot...we tend to say, "i was x, y, and z; now God has transformed me into l, m, and n!" and yes, it's true, that did happen. but stories, whether in books or movies or plays or operas, are endearing because of the middle part. you can read what happens in the beginning and end on the back cover of a book, or on imdb for a movie. the middle is the meat of the story. it's the transformation of a character, or characters.
i like the middle of the story. i think we all do (if i'm wrong, so sue me. i said "i think"). i think maybe we like the middle because it's relevant to what's going on in our lives. generally speaking, none of us are really at the very beginning or very end of our story. we're all somewhere in the middle. maybe we know what's coming and what to do next, or maybe we have no idea. but we identify with the character when they're in the middle, because that's where we are.
so, i think i like re-reading old blogs because it reminds me of earlier parts of my middle story. plus, it makes my story a lot more interesting to tell to others. no one actually cares much for the factoids (where i was born, where i live now, what college i go to); they want to know what happened in between, and what's happening now, since i'm still living the middle story.

that whole blog just got way more philosophical than it was intended at the beginning. oh well, that's usually how my blogs end up. i would know, because i like to re-read them. did i mention that?

tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air

we've all watched tv shows about doctors. ER, grey's, house, what have you. patients are in need of healing, and are brought into the office (or emergency room) for exactly that. but have you ever seen the episode where the patient is so busy complaining about how much things hurt that they can't let the doctor do their healing thing? maybe they won't sign a form, or tell the doctor to send them home because they're "fine." i don't know, i can't remember how it goes. but there's always that character who ends up being killed or seriously hurt because they get caught up in a)complaining about the pain and/or b)covering up the real cause of their injury/disease.

don't you kind of want to yell at the tv and tell them to just give up already so the doctor can start treating them? don't you think they're kind of stupid?

this happens in real life sometimes. in medical situations, of course, but that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking more about our spiritual lives, and our inefficiency at allowing fellow Christians to help us through them. yes, a walk with God means having a relationship that's between you and Him. but it also means interacting with other members of His creation. it means allowing them to help you when you struggle.

i'm often guilty of...

...telling people everything's fine when it's really very not fine.
...lying about or concealing the true cause of my struggles because i'm ashamed.
...complaining about my problems but not doing anything about them, and not letting others help me with them.

for the record, this is in fact quite stupid. i am often the stupid person in the ER who won't let the nurse put in the IV because needles freak her out. many people i know are often this stupid person as well. sometimes i feel like yelling at myself or them, the same way i feel like yelling at the tv. because it's stupid, and it does absolutely no good for anyone.

just so we're clear.

i see trees of green, red roses too...

okay, yes, i realize it has been forever and a half since i have written here. it's weird, finally getting back to it. i've missed blogging, i think.

i started rereading Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz" in the past week or so. i can never remember if i actually finished it before (i have a bad habit of getting 3/4 of the way through a book and then starting a new one), but i've gotten pretty far in it. mostly because i've been reading a little bit every day. i've decided that i'm a fan. i also have his "Searching for God Knows What" but i've never read a single word of that one. i think it is the next book on my agenda.

i've also been attempting to reread Les Miserables. this one will take much longer than a week or two to get through. i'm still in part two of book one. there's just so much to grasp, i feel like i have to take it in very slowly. but i have decided that i love this book just as much as i thought i did nearly ten years ago when i read if for the first time. there are so many small nuances and ironies that i never could have noticed at the age of 12. Hugo's pretty awesome. i approve. even though i already thought i did, now i know i do.

life's been really weird for the past...year, i guess, since i last wrote. i've made a lot of changes--i am a really fickle person. like, REALLY fickle. i can't figure out for the life of me what i want to do with my life. but that's okay. i'm learning that that's okay. i know people have told me that before, but now i'm learning through experience that it really is okay not to know. i like that it's okay not to know...it means i have to depend on Christ a lot more, which of course is a blow to my pride because i like to depend on noone but myself. i also like it cause i get to dream, the way i did when i was little. back when people just understood that every day you were going to have a different life plan in mind. today i want to be a doctor, tomorrow i will want to be an astronaut, and the next day i will think it is the bomb to be an old cat lady. this is really how it goes. i suppose i shouldn't be surprised.

yep, i was right. i missed blogging.

this time we're not giving up. let's make this last forever, screaming, hallelujah...we'll make it last forever.

what's been on my mind, in a kind of nutshell...

...i love my car...LOVE it. but it gets terrible gas mileage and is becoming a real problem financially. i've spoken to my dad about it and we are probably going to take a little trip on friday to see what's out there that gets great gas mileage and won't be ridiculously expensive. plus i don't need a new car...just new to me...cause any car i get is gonna get beaten up a little bit in college parking lots. no point getting something brand new.

...i have a paper due saturday and am half excited and half scared about writing it. i have started the brainstorming process and it could potentially be a really good paper...or it could totally suck. we shall see.

...i really need to find a summer job. if you know of anyone who's hiring, please let me know...i'm really hoping that lewisville hospital will hire me for one of the 5 million jobs i applied for but we shall see.

...i have completely over-scheduled my summer. i have summer school, (hopefully) work, my brother's wedding, and some serious hard core studying for my NET test which i plan to take in the fall. i'm pretty scared cause my score on that test weighs pretty heavily in my admission or rejection from nursing school. good thing my list of nursing schools to apply at is up to 17...14 of which are in the state of texas.

...maybe it's just part of growing up, but most of my life lately is just business. all i talk about is school, work, and financial issues. maybe that's why extracurriculars are so great...except i don't have any extracurriculars. don't have time for them. i don't want my life to be just all-business all the time. i want more than that.

maura update

i'm not sure whether anyone who reads this knows Maura de Souza, but i'm posting here anyway. the following is a blog giving frequent updates on Maura's condition:

www.mauraupdate.blogspot.com

let's continue to pray for Maura's health.

i don't mind singing

so for the past week or two i've been really emotional and overly worrisome. some old wounds have been reopened and the healing process is difficult. and ultimately, i know it's not the wisest thing in the world to dwell on stuff like that. but i am guilty of it anyway. i had kind of been bottling it up, and i finally talked to a good friend about it. she said she noticed the way i'd been acting and she had guessed the cause of it. and, over the course of the conversation, one thing she said really stood out:

"haven't you heard of that calming peace only Christ can give you?"

wow. i was just like...yeah, of course i've heard of it. i've experienced it before. but what she said really hit me hard because i know what she was getting at, and i know that she is right. i have not been leaning on Him for peace and comfort and hope, and all the other wonderful blessings He gives. i am well aware that this is a habit of mine. i go through phases: i start out fine. but then hard times happen, and i am far too proud to admit that i NEED His peace. i try to work it all out on my own...which of course doesn't work. and inevitably, the Lord calls to my heart, telling me what i should know by now: what He offers is far better.

vicious cycle, anyone??

i hate that i keep getting caught in this cycle. but, there is one part of it that i am thankful for: the Lord always calls out to me. just because i ignore him doesn't mean He ignores me. that's pretty great. so...the situations that caused my worry still exist. but the Lord called out to my heart today. and, i mean...how freaking amazing is that?!?!