"and her smile is a symphony that no chamber could play"

i'm home for the weekend...

..and it's...

...weird.

i can't put it in adequate words, but...it's all just very surreal, this being home stuff. somewhere in there during the past two weeks, i think i managed to forget that this place, and the people in it, were really REAL. i mean i really convinced myself somewhere within me that all of this may actually not even exist. and to come back to it was...overwhelming, to give you the biggest understatement of my life.

flower mound doesn't in fact exist, not in the way i remember it. it's different now, and always will be. the people i could always drive ten minutes to see at any time of day are hours away. i feel more like an invader, an outsider, than like i'm at home here. it's just a strange feeling.

i even miss sam houston--just a little. not a lot, by any means...not nearly as much as i've missed everyone here. but part of my heart is already becoming attached to that place and the people there. i'm connected to it now. i even refer to my dorm room as "home" sometimes...like, "hey guys, i have to run home and grab my books for my next class" or whatever. WEIRD.

the way i've processed it so far is this: i'm still deep in the middle of a transition...so of course to come back here in the middle of that transition is gonna be way awkward. and of course every time you leave a place that you've put some roots down in, you're going to miss it some. but that's a GOOD sign...it means that you've allowed yourself to be connected with that community--you've put your heart into it. and i would much rather miss people terribly when it comes time to leave them than never pour my whole heart into my relationships with the people around me. i want to be poured out.

all that to say...it's weird, and i don't like the weird...but i'll take the weird any day if it means i get to give all of myself for the people i love.

i hope at least some part of that makes some remote kind of sense. often when i try to put the innermost ramblings of my heart into writing no one can tell what the cob i'm trying to say. but thanks for reading. i love all of you, really i do. :)